I can’t wait until my kids go to bed at night so that I can have some “me” time. With a glass of wine and some comic relief I thoroughly enjoy myself at NickMom.com. That’s right! You already know that nickelodeon has Nick Jr for the young kids, Nickelodeon for the grade school kids and teen nick for the older ones. Well, there wouldn’t be kids if it wasn’t for Moms and Nick loves us just as much so they created a place just for us! (No kids allowed). LOL Not only do I stalk their site, I also get NickMom facebook updates to know what I have to look forward too! (SO FUNNY) After you see their cartoons, videos, articles and stories you will know why I was inspired to write about my own funny experience in this post. I hope you enjoy it.
My #Motherfunny story took place a few years ago when my in-laws came to visit for the week of Christmas. I am not going to lie, things were a little tense. Usually when my MIL visits she takes over everything and I step out if the picture. She does the cooking, the laundry (even rearranged my entire kitchen a few times). I certainly don’t mind because I rarely cook any meals ever, so my kids and husband really like eating anything at all her signature meals.
This particular year I vowed to make a Classic Holiday Dinner with the sole purpose of once and for all being able to impress the compression socks right off my main man’s mama! The day came and I was ready to initiate the surprise. I asked my husband to take the kids and his parents out for the day. (This would give me time to orchestrate a Picture Perfect Family Feast). I was confident that I could rise to the occasion and pull this thing off.
The second my family pulled around the corner I grabbed my purse and dashed off. I had to get all the best ingredients for the dinner spread and get craft supplies to make the center piece. Being made to wait over 15 minutes in the line for Starbucks was depleting my Holiday Cheer. My nerves were kicking in and I NEEDED my coffee!
The overly friendly barista always makes me giddy, but today I was on a mission and not so easily distracted. I pulled out into the crazy Christmas stop-and-go traffic chugging my delicious soy and peppermint fuel.
I don’t know what happened, but by the time I carried in my bags in the house and closed the garage, I was running REALLY short on time but I knew that I could still do this! I blew the hair off my forehead, brushed off my hands and got ready to make this dinner happen. “Showtime!” I yelled, shaking my jazz hands in a blissfully quiet house. Suddenly ecstatic at the thought of being alone in my house, I smiled wide and pour a drink to stay hydrated.
Then I cranked up the holiday radio station and belted out a Christmas Song into my imaginary microphone “IT’S BEGIN TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRI- OH! #frth*! The dog ate the candy canes off the Christmas tree!!!!” I scream out loud. Making a move for the mangled tree I see the dog bolt out if the room as my foot slides through a warm pile of dog vomit. “NOOOOO”.
I yell the dog’s name but he knows what’s good for him and stays hidden in his bed. Normally I wouldn’t be so freaked out about a little vomit, except that now my Mother-In-Law will be totally justified in disliking my dog. (In his defense though, he hated the rug.)
While Holiday Vomit does smell minty-er than regular dog vomit, neither version are what I want to be dealing with right now. I am WAY too busy for this people. When I say I am busy I don’t mean that I may have to decide between going to my pedicure or missing my yoga class kind of busy. I am the kind of busy that means I am either going to clean up the dog puke or just roll the whole rug up and put it out with the trash kind of busy.
I have family coming over in less than an hour and I have to have everything done for dinner!!! Oh My God, seriously? I just spent all day slaving over every restaurant curb side in my town and I still have to delicately transfer all those individual foods to my own baking dishes so I can fool my mother-in-law! I survey the rug and decide to give it one good shot and if it doesn’t come clean I will go to “Plan B” and destroy the evidence.
I run to my china closet and get out one of the really good plates. (You know those heavy duty paper plates with the word ULTRA in the title?) I cut one in half with my craft shears and voila! I have the perfect sturdiness for scooping the red and white speckled vomit into the trash can. But even after all the scooping and rubbing an Ultra paper towel into little bits with rug cleaner, both the stain and the faint smell are still there! As I am on my hands and knees I hear the car doors shut in the driveway! GAAAAH! They are home early! At this point I am waving my hands and experiencing a SEVERE mini heart attack.
I can hear their jovial laughter approaching the door and right then a light bulb goes off in my head, although at that moment it is as radiant and miraculous as the star over the manger of the sweet baby Jesus himself. I get the best Christmas Miracle idea ever. I reach over to my wine glass and throw what is left of the heavy red wine on top of the stain! (GENIUS!) As my family walks in I pretend to scrub nonchalantly at the stain with what is left of my shredded paper towel. “The dog spilled wine on the rug” I cry out.
Everyone just stares at me for a moment looking quizzical. I can see by my Mother-in-laws expression that she thinks I hate her rug. No dinner is going to make up for this. “We are going out to eat!” I say cheerfully. “The drinks are on me.”
Jump into the crazy mom fun @nickmom on twitter where your new best friends can sympathize with you needing a freaking break and where all of us will love to hear the funny things that your child says each day! Get in on the fun and the action with me and other FAB mamas at the #Motherfunny paradise created by nickelodeon made just for us. Find me there @dapperhouse so we can commiserate. See you there!